Comments on: You make me days sour and my nights rancid. (SLCH)

You make me days sour and my nights rancid. (SLCH)

graphnerd — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 12:44:16 -0800

The first son is named Royce, the second son is named Preston, the third son is named Lance And Blake (two names for just one son), and the fourth son is the dreaded Laramie. Which one of my toxic sons are you? Take this quiz to find out!

By: clockzero

clockzero — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 12:53:19 -0800

It was really hard to read that without laughing out loud. Now I just look like I'm crying at my desk for no reason, like the father of some garbage child.

By: rocket88

rocket88 — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 12:54:18 -0800

Not sure if that was humor or an ad for Saab.

By: Curious Artificer

Curious Artificer — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 12:55:33 -0800

An ad for Saab written by Jimmy Page.

By: Potomac Avenue

Potomac Avenue — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 12:55:41 -0800

This is above average, even for Clickhole, unlike my garbage son's grade on his math paper, which is a number so low it sucked the entire school into itself, and now he has to go to military academy, where he is the general.

By: fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit

fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 12:55:55 -0800

I've said it before, I'll probably say it again. Clickhole is the best thing the Onion has done since Lake Dredge Appraisal. (previously)

By: EndsOfInvention

EndsOfInvention — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 12:57:08 -0800

I feel about ClickHole the same way I thought about The Onion back in the day. It is just The Best Thing.

By: palomar

palomar — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:03:15 -0800

I AM BECOME LARAMIE, DESTROYER OF SAABS

By: uncleozzy

uncleozzy — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:04:32 -0800

Oh god, the phrase "marital bed." mrs ozzy hates it when I say that. So of course I say it all the time.

By: mysprocketisborked

mysprocketisborked — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:07:29 -0800

I now have "Saab" and "carnival of miseries" forever linked in my head.

By: Greg_Ace

Greg_Ace — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:17:08 -0800

I now have "Saab" and "carnival of miseries" forever linked in my head. Saab == sob, eh?

By: Rustic Etruscan

Rustic Etruscan — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:20:49 -0800

This is great. I think it reads a lot like a mainstreamed pastiche of dril.

By: jameaterblues

jameaterblues — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:21:55 -0800

MAJESTIC.

By: brookedel

brookedel — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:26:24 -0800

Clickhole doesn't give the actual authors of these posts, but I'm pretty sure this quiz, the Are You A Big Jazz Boy Or A Little Jazz Boy? quiz, and the hard-hitting This Might Not Be 'Politically Correct' Enough For You Overly Sensitive Social Justice Warriors, But All Of The Planets Are Men were done by the same person. More scholarship is needed to determine whether Which Bing Bong Theory Are You? can be added to this list.

By: rock swoon has no past

rock swoon has no past — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:26:40 -0800

This hits what I now call the "Too Many Cooks" nerve.

By: rollick

rollick — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:28:57 -0800

Are You A Big Jazz Boy Or A Little Jazz Boy is one of the best internet humour pieces I've ever read. I hope there is some sort of award it can win.

By: sparklemotion

sparklemotion — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:30:54 -0800

I was trying to figure out a way to flesh out a post about What Does it Mean to be a Man?, but two Clickhole FPPs in a day is probably too much so I'm posting it here. Lord Grummond is going to be so pissed when he finds out. Clickhole is a good thing.

By: rollick

rollick — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:31:05 -0800

Also I think How New York Are You? has the same sort of style as those pieces too.

By: mochapickle

mochapickle — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:31:07 -0800

Yes, I loved doing this quiz with all of my dumpster soul.

By: DevilsAdvocate

DevilsAdvocate — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:32:20 -0800

Your hobbies include loitering, mischief with bones, and doing terrible things to my wonderful car. It figures that a garbage dad like this one would only be able to identify two of my three hobbies correctly.

By: Iridic

Iridic — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:32:24 -0800

Best Quiz: Did You Talk To Your Old Man About That Idea I Had?

By: Iridic

Iridic — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:33:09 -0800

(C'mon, toots! I'd ask him myself, but I feel like he's got it out for me! Whaddaya say?)

By: mermayd

mermayd — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:38:21 -0800

This is supposed to be funny?

By: The Whelk

The Whelk — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:38:30 -0800

Jimmy Page works cheap I see.

By: emjaybee

emjaybee — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:43:06 -0800

By: DevilsAdvocate

DevilsAdvocate — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:49:13 -0800

Missed a great opportunity for the FPP, graphnerd. I think this Clickhole article is of far more interest to MeFites.

By: brookedel

brookedel — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 13:56:29 -0800

That Serial article is funny, but it feels more like a traditional Onion-style article. It's the bonkers nonsense like this quiz that keeps me coming back.

By: Chuffy

Chuffy — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 14:09:17 -0800

I'm Preston. Not sure what that means, in the long run.

By: rollick

rollick — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 14:14:36 -0800

One annoying thing about Clickhole quizzes is they don't let you retake them easily to see the other answers. Here's what I got: You Are The Dreaded Laramie. Terrible tidings for you: You are the dreaded Laramie. You are a junk son if I've ever seen one—a true dump child from the swamp. Everyone who knows you fears you because they are aware that you make life sour. Your interests include loud crimes with minimal jail sentences, making nighttime last longer, and watching movies where someone who looks like your nice dad explodes or gets killed by a mummy. You love doing terrible things to my wonderful car and you wear shirts with curse words on them. I hate being near the dreaded Laramie. When the dreaded Laramie comes around, I whisper a quiet wish to God that a lunatic will come and eat me. I can't believe that my huge beautiful wife did the birth of the dreaded Laramie. Truly, he hails from the Dumpster, and I only wish him ill. That's who you are. You're the dreaded Laramie. Way to go.

By: Pudhoho

Pudhoho — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 14:19:50 -0800

My first name is Edsel. I'm dead. I hate my dad. He's dead too. We're both dead, but I'm in one place and that demented hillbilly resides in the other... The only thing I regret is all the delicious beers I've missed out on. Won't you please forget this quiz and instead go drink several delicious beers in my name? I can't pay for them, but I will surely taste them from beyond the grave. PS. I wish I'd lived long enough to zoom around in a 5.0 liter Mustang.

By: Pudhoho

Pudhoho — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 14:33:35 -0800

Oh yeah, I'm also really pissed off about the car produced in my name. I don't mind that it flopped. It's a really great car, as collectors well know. What makes me sore is people said they didn't like it because the grille reminded them of a vagina. Vulva. Vulva. Vulva. That's what women carry on their front end. Idiots can't identify human anatomy correctly. Jesus Christ...

By: Curious Artificer

Curious Artificer — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 14:34:47 -0800

Is there any way to be anything other than a Big Jazz Boy or a Little Jazz Boy? A Gigantic Jazz Boy, perhaps?

By: Greg Nog

Greg Nog — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 14:42:31 -0800

I got Lance and Blake, because of my desire to create mischief with bones

By: trunk muffins

trunk muffins — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 15:01:51 -0800

Is your body swollen with Trumpet Jelly? Yes No Calling it, this is Tricia Lockwood or I am a great big garbage baby. Named Preston.

By: Librarypt

Librarypt — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 15:03:16 -0800

Why We Yawn.

By: edheil

edheil — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 15:44:19 -0800

Why was that by far the funniest thing I've read or watched all week? Why??? It's so dumb. Why??

By: barchan

barchan — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 15:50:55 -0800

What makes me sore is people said they didn't like it because the grille reminded them of a vagina. On a side note, it could have been worse. You could have been named Toyota. I've always thought the Toyota symbol is a great symbolic representation of a women's entire reproductive system.

By: 4ster

4ster — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 16:19:49 -0800

I mostly laughed at the names. But then a member of my family plans to name their imminent male offspring "Deacon," and my horrible husband and I have been mocking it for months. (Poor kid. What do you even do for a nickname? Deeks?) posted by emjaybee at 1:43 PM on November 21 [+] [!] Their last name isn't Jones is it, because if it is...

By: louche mustachio

louche mustachio — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 16:50:02 -0800

Are You A Big Jazz Boy Or A Little Jazz Boy is one of the best internet humour pieces I've ever read. I am a little teeny Jazz Boy! Yorb yorb yorb! Yorb yorb yorb!

By: clvrmnky

clvrmnky — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 17:45:06 -0800

Fucking quiz don't work. Got no fancy result page. FAIL

By: jason_steakums

jason_steakums — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 17:52:19 -0800

Here Is The Man With The Tiny Hands

By: graphnerd

graphnerd — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 18:49:40 -0800

One annoying thing about Clickhole quizzes is they don't let you retake them easily to see the other answers. Here's what I got: I'll confess that part of the reason I posted this was to get people to report their responses. Try as I might, I keep getting The Dreaded Laramie. If there are any Royces, Prestons, or—God help us—lance and Blakes out there, please share with us exactly what it is that makes you such a toxic swamp child from a dumpster.

By: Lemurrhea

Lemurrhea — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 18:51:34 -0800

I actually do wish I could make night last longer. So, uh, good work Clickhole!

By: the man of twists and turns

the man of twists and turns — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 19:00:31 -0800

You Are Royce.The bad news is that you are my garbage son Royce. You are the Gutter Boy Supreme, and the things you say and do are of the Dumpster. You love to do terrible things to my wonderful car, and you are the main reason why I go to the hospital. When my huge beautiful wife did the birth of Royce, I thought to myself, "This can't be that bad," but boy, was I wrong, because Royce has a rancid soul and everything he touches turns to poison.

By: trunk muffins

trunk muffins — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 19:14:16 -0800

You Are Lance And Blake. It makes me miserable to inform you that you are my garbage son Lance And Blake (two names for just one son). You are a real trash mountain of a son who came marching out of my huge beautiful wife on the worst day to ever happen. Your hobbies include loitering, mischief with bones, and doing terrible things to my wonderful car. When Lance And Blake was born, I wanted to name him Ryan and my huge beautiful wife wanted to name him Kyle, so we compromised by giving him two names that neither of us liked. Now, he makes our days sour and our nights rancid. He is a True Nightmare of a garbage son. Mischief with bones and Jimmy Page are the keys here.

By: graphnerd

graphnerd — Fri, 21 Nov 2014 19:27:17 -0800

Thank you, you True Villains with wretched Metafilter accounts.

By: Sticherbeast

Sticherbeast — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 00:35:30 -0800

HOLY SHIT THIS IS AMAZING

By: EndsOfInvention

EndsOfInvention — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 09:20:41 -0800

As a parent I particularly enjoyed the "Why We're Sending Our Kids Into An Interdimensional Particle Vortex (And You Should Too!)" article. That's one way to have to deal with your garbage sons, at least.

By: Jazz Hands

Jazz Hands — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 10:38:11 -0800

I especially like the nice touch of getting "Preston", but the picture is Lance AND Blake. Because it doesn't even matter which garbage son is which, because they are all toxic garbage.

By: kagredon

kagredon — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 15:44:36 -0800

Truly, he hails from the Dumpster, and I only wish him ill. I'm about 80% sure Lizzie Bennet says this about Mr Darcy at some point

By: kagredon

kagredon — Sat, 22 Nov 2014 15:56:25 -0800

oh, and I finally got Preston (despite several attempts being thwarted by my dreadful Laramie-ness): You Are Preston. Hate to break it to you, but you are my garbage son named Preston. You are the son equivalent of a foul wind and you make my nights colder. When I see you in my house, I think to myself, "Here is my Dumpster boy, the one I hate." Your interests include faking injuries and doing terrible things to my wonderful car. When my huge beautiful wife did the birth of Preston, I didn't think things could get any worse, but I underestimated the garbage soul of Preston, and every day is a new carnival of miseries. Truly, Preston is the Gutter Prince and knowing about him makes me tired. That's who you are. You're my garbage son Preston.

By: Iridic

Iridic — Mon, 24 Nov 2014 12:13:21 -0800

Fiddle-Dee-Dee! I Am The Quizmaster Who Shall Test Your Abilities!

By: rollick

rollick — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 15:38:55 -0800

Will Hanukkah Consume You?

By: kagredon

kagredon — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 20:41:49 -0800

This closes on Saturday, someone please make sure to do another clickhole fpp so that I can keep getting these curated in my recent activity (I might do it if the airport has free wifi)

By: Greg Nog

Greg Nog — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 20:47:58 -0800

Not a quiz, but my favorite Clickhole article is probably this list of British TV shows that were remade as American ones.

By: kagredon

kagredon — Mon, 15 Dec 2014 20:54:13 -0800

(by the way, the key phrase to ctrl-f in the page source if you want to read the results you didn't get is "quiz outcome")

By: Oyéah

Oyéah — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 10:04:03 -0800

First name Deacon OK as long as his middle name is Blue.

By: kagredon

kagredon — Thu, 18 Dec 2014 17:51:02 -0800

How Well Do You Know The Lyrics to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You"?

By: DevilsAdvocate

DevilsAdvocate — Fri, 19 Dec 2014 12:46:04 -0800

Everything You Need To Know About The Dangerous Teen Trend 'Wodehousing'