Comments on: metal fashionistas

metal fashionistas

madamjujujive — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:28:51 -0800

Top 10 most ridiculous black metal pics of all time - 2005 edition. This is a follow-up to the original 2004 list. NSFW (via Buzz)

By: AMWKE

AMWKE — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:31:21 -0800

I laughed.

By: mzurer

mzurer — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:31:33 -0800

I cried.

By: Quartermass

Quartermass — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:33:26 -0800

I needed to take a shower...

By: rolypolyman

rolypolyman — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:38:01 -0800

I saw the flabby ass. I saw the cock and balls. Good God, I saw it all.

By: yhbc

yhbc — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:38:33 -0800

You know, I never realized just what a thin line there is between Rodeo Clowns and - well, whatever this is.

By: Jimbob

Jimbob — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:42:07 -0800

Hardcore. I've had the utmost respect for Cradle of Filth ever since I saw that poster of theirs with the raped, bleeding virgin in diapers crucified on an inverted cross. It really speaks to me, you know?

By: jenovus

jenovus — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:43:00 -0800

I'm surprised that #6 wasn't given massive penalties for smiling. Isn't the idealized "black metal" look the same as the "hand me the Metamucil" look?

By: meh

meh — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:43:17 -0800

Hmm...it's got sassy! ....but it's not quite spicy enough. *sprinkles a few more "fucks" in the article for added spiciness* There. That should do it.

By: nightchrome

nightchrome — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:46:44 -0800

What is the deal with northern europeans and black/death metal, anyway? Almost every single person I know online who is from Sweden/Norway/Finland/whatever are all fans of this crap. Is there something in the water?

By: matteo

matteo — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:53:40 -0800

top notch as always, mjj

By: Clay201

Clay201 — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 20:53:59 -0800

What is this? They all look like KISS fans made up and dressed up for a big reunion show.

By: ninazer0

ninazer0 — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:00:34 -0800

Nightchrome: the lack of sunshine, a national tendancy to depression and gnawing terror at the thought of being labeled normal? I admit that I know nothing about the people listed, but they seem to be spending all this time, effort and eyeliner fighting the horrors of a pedestrian 9-5 existence. So they go to the extreme opposite end to that and turn into a black-clad rubber-stamp brigade for single-thought mediocrity. Which is at least as frightening as waking up and finding you're 40+ with a mortgage and no life. Call me tired and over-caffeinated, but both ends of the spectrum are blurring together for me. Perhaps that's just the glare off the PVC...

By: Devils Slide

Devils Slide — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:05:22 -0800

You're all just jealous.

By: Kickstart70

Kickstart70 — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:08:53 -0800

Heh. Did your mommy sew that for you? What a bunch of lamers.

By: oddman

oddman — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:09:28 -0800

That. Was. Awesome.

By: nixerman

nixerman — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:09:57 -0800

nightchrome, it's because they're lame. If you were lived in a cold, dark place most of the year you'd be lame too.

By: dydecker

dydecker — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:11:39 -0800

Funny pics but the guy truly cannot write.

By: Jimbob

Jimbob — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:13:10 -0800

If you were lived in a cold, dark place most of the year you'd be lame too. Strangely, Iceland seems to be relatively immune to this kind of musical disaster.

By: Nelson

Nelson — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:15:58 -0800

Man, my head hurts from all the banging.

By: PinkStainlessTail

PinkStainlessTail — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:21:04 -0800

Strangely, Iceland seems to be relatively immune to this kind of musical disaster. Yes, but Iceland almost killed The Hafler Trio, so it still has much to answer for.

By: hototogisu

hototogisu — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:30:33 -0800

PinkStainlessTail: I was just wondering how he was doing this afternoon. Awesome news...

By: Hat Maui

Hat Maui — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:38:02 -0800

*awaits jonmc weighing in about how much this crap sucks and how handsome dick manitoba could kick the crap out of any of these painted douchebags*

By: dobbs

dobbs — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:47:08 -0800

Inverted Bovine Femur Cross That'll be the name of my Black Metal band. I don't play any intruments yet and can't sing so ... first things firt: I need a logo!

By: bardic

bardic — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:50:26 -0800

Eskimos don't do this.

By: Civil_Disobedient

Civil_Disobedient — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:57:41 -0800

And what on earth is Abbath doing? What kind of pose is that? It looks like he's about to be hit by a bus and Horgh, unable to rescue him, is on the sidewalk screaming, "Nooooooooo...." /pisses self

By: Jimbob

Jimbob — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 21:58:13 -0800

I don't play any intruments yet and can't sing so ... That's okay, there are plenty of jobs going for people to flagellate themselves on stage and spit blood at the audience.

By: ford and the prefects

ford and the prefects — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 22:10:03 -0800

Thank you. Now my eyes are useless. Forever. Most emotionally damaging MeFi post ever. Congratulations. You win. Jerk.

By: Bugbread

Bugbread — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 22:24:14 -0800

dobbs : "Inverted Bovine Femur Cross "That'll be the name of my Black Metal band. I don't play any intruments yet and can't sing so ... first things firt: I need a logo!" I am not a lawyer, but I believe you are now legally required to form a band:

By: mischief

mischief — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 22:29:15 -0800

... and I thought I had a little wiener!

By: furiousthought

furiousthought — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 22:44:52 -0800

You really shoulda titled this post "rock out with your cock out," mjj. Wow. Um. (My favorite one is the ohnogonnagethitbyabus one tho.)

By: pyramid termite

pyramid termite — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 22:45:29 -0800

no 6, galder, is the only one of those guys who actually manages to be creepy ... those vacant eyes ... that wide-mouthed smile ... that seeming unattention to how he's playing his guitar ... someone was ripping a virgin's heart out to throw onto the stage ... i just know it

By: Kattullus

Kattullus — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 23:02:46 -0800

PinkStainlessSteel, as an Icelander, and a fan of Hafler Trio, I deeply apologize for what we've done to him. At one of his concerts I went to he gave everybody colored gin and tonics and had the entire crowd singin Tristan Tzara's Chanson dada, he is indeed a stellar man and a genius artist. Icelandic immigration law is exceptionally stupid, in a field of law where common sense is often thin on the ground. My wife, who is American (and is also a mefite: grapefruitmoon), wasn't granted a permanent residence permit because we weren't old enough yet. For the purposes of immigration in Iceland a marriage isn't considered valid until both parties are 25. So we moved to the US instead.

By: Balisong

Balisong — Thu, 18 Aug 2005 23:25:07 -0800

These guys don't hold a candle to GWAR The show I saw they kept feeding virgins to the carnivorous toilet, and spraying the crowd with the sweet, sweet virginal blood. Very patriotic.

By: NewBornHippy

NewBornHippy — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 00:03:31 -0800

I'm sure they play nice soothing music, can't judge a LP on its cover.

By: kersplunk

kersplunk — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 00:23:10 -0800

Inverted Bovine Femur Cross I think that name could do with some umlauts.

By: wsg

wsg — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 00:42:57 -0800

Are those cartoons?

By: bardic

bardic — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 00:46:55 -0800

Hehe. I saw GWAR in highschool. Problem was, no venues in DC would sign them due to the inevitable damage. So they played a free show at Fort Reno as "RAWG." Without their costumes, it just doesn't work.

By: Meatbomb

Meatbomb — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 01:27:36 -0800

Inv&#235rt&#235d B&#246vine F&#235m&#252r Cr&#246ss

By: Meatbomb

Meatbomb — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 01:27:55 -0800

Doh! Looked good in live preview...

By: Meatbomb

Meatbomb — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 01:31:10 -0800

Invërtëd Bövine Fëmür Cröss
VICTORY!

By: pandaharma

pandaharma — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 01:46:58 -0800

No black metal fans at all? Hrm. The pity of these photos is that some of these artists are very very good. Immortal should never be allowed near a camera but their album "Sons of Northern Darkness" is one of my favorite albums of all time. Beautifully vicious, tight three piece band which produces some great symphonic stuff. Or Emperor. Its a pity they were stuck in the black metal ghetto as their stuff was really out there, huge symphonies of noise and really complex rhythms. They should have gotten wider recognition in the outside world.

By: Bugbread

Bugbread — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 01:47:08 -0800

Umlauts aren't True Norwegian Black Metal, they're faggoth.

By: Bugbread

Bugbread — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 01:49:01 -0800

pandaharma : "No black metal fans at all? Hrm." I like me some Darkthrone, but that puts me in my own private world of shame. Oh, and Mayhem's Grand Declaration of War (minus the spoken word bits). And some Gorgoroth. Oh, ok, so I guess I like black metal.

By: hal9k

hal9k — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 02:32:23 -0800

In one of those pics you'll see Buddy Ebsen. This was before he found out he was allergic to the makeup and had to quit the band and... eh... I got nothin'

By: OmieWise

OmieWise — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 05:46:30 -0800

"Does the guy on the left have spikes coming out of his fucking back? And if he does, like, what?" 'nuff said. Excellent post.

By: theinsectsarewaiting

theinsectsarewaiting — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 05:53:56 -0800

/Looks to pandaharma, thrusts devil horns in the air/ YAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!

By: anathema

anathema — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 05:57:00 -0800

What is the deal with northern europeans and black/death metal, anyway? Nightchrome: the lack of sunshine, a national tendancy to depression and gnawing terror at the thought of being labeled normal? This does not explain Florida.

By: Pollomacho

Pollomacho — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 05:59:52 -0800

Wasn't this genre on its way out by the time Ronnie James Dio penned Holy Diver? Love the boots.

By: NoMich

NoMich — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:03:23 -0800

bugbread: that's a pretty good logo, but we can still read it. It's not black metal if you can read the band's name in the logo.

By: peacay

peacay — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:08:35 -0800

Dear madammetalmaven, that was gravelrashonchinly good. Thank you, I think.

By: NoMich

NoMich — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:13:23 -0800

Wasn't this genre on its way out by the time Ronnie James Dio penned Holy Diver? Dude, metal has about 666 different subgenres. Dio (the band) was a part of "the early '80s fantasy with a dash of Satan" metal. That's opposed to Thor who was just "all out late '70s/early '80s fantasy metal," and Venom who were the top of the "nothin' but Satan" heap. I don't think black metal really got its start until the latter half of the '80s. But am I talking about Tampa Bay/Orlando black metal, or northern European black metal?

By: clevershark

clevershark — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:43:51 -0800

From the 2004 list: "Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden." er, Helsinki is actually in Finland.

By: found missing

found missing — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:54:04 -0800

er, Helsinki is actually in Finland

By: Pollomacho

Pollomacho — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 06:59:14 -0800

Sorry, I was being sarcastic NoMich. To tell the truth, I was in a horrible, horrible, horrible death metal band named Black and Huge (after the Gwar song) back in my high school days. I think all the old Voivod tee shirts have finally worn out as my (wife of a minister) mother's dust rags.

By: NoMich

NoMich — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:08:42 -0800

But my analysis was pretty close, no?

By: klangklangston

klangklangston — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:24:47 -0800

Wait, is Abbath a death metal Abba cover band? They should be. That would be awesome. (Full disclosure: I have owned Emperor, Immortan and Morbid Angel cassettes, but can't seem to find them anymore...)

By: tommasz

tommasz — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:29:20 -0800

I read "rock out with your cock out" and began laughing loudly in my cubicle. I had to fib about what was so funny.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:30:05 -0800

Not to split hairs here but Voivod were more of the Satan-free sci-fi/psychedelic Prog school of metal. Their first 2 or 3 records were awesome (stopped following after that). Anyhow that picture with the dude looking like a bus is about to run him down with his black metal pal screaming 'Nooooooo!" had me howling. The Black/Death Metal genre is such a source of endless goofiness. Great post.

By: Pollomacho

Pollomacho — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:30:08 -0800

Oh, yeah, decent analysis. I'd say Dio wanted to be more in the All Satan camp than he actually was though, what with his logo spelling out Devil when inverted and all. I should state for the record that what I just wrote is probably one of the most embarrassing things from my personal history. As you can imagine, most of the "rage" I was feeling began to dissipate after I began actually having contact with girls and with certain types of "relaxing" pastimes. This mellowing process did not full begin until after I'd blown out both my eardrums at Napalm Death and Carcass shows and my wallet on black tee shirts with gory imagery and logos for such acts as Morbid Angel. Good lord, what was I thinking?

By: Pollomacho

Pollomacho — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:32:07 -0800

Not to split hairs here but Voivod were more of the Satan-free sci-fi/psychedelic Prog school of metal. True as well. They also give you a headache, even if you are a metal head.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:43:30 -0800

Nomich: But my analysis was pretty close, no? Dude, it was fuckin' scholarly man and by the power invested in me by Beezlebub I hearby confer upon you the ccertificate of Doctorate in Black Metal-ology. Satan be with you.

By: ubersturm

ubersturm — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 07:52:10 -0800

Nah, I'm a black metal fan, pandaharma. Actually, the shameless excess in the photos is one of the [more minor] reasons I like it. It's fucking hilarious, and most of the groups in those photographs actually make some damn good black metal. Gorgoroth, Mayhem, Darkthrone, Graveland, Gorgoroth, Dark Funeral, even Immortal. [Also, bugbread's right on the umlauts - not so much a black metal thing. I can only think of a few bands from the past ten or twenty years that use umlauts.]

By: jmd82

jmd82 — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 08:09:12 -0800

These guys don't hold a candle to GWAR Reminds me of a show they put on in the early 90's. IIRC, the city stopped their concert midway through because they were throwing blood and other extraneous fluids into the crowd, GWAR sued the city and won and gave all the money to charity. In response, Athens banned GWAR from playing here again. However, I can't help but think of GWAR without association them with Marc from Empire Records. That shit makes me happy.

By: anathema

anathema — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 08:59:54 -0800

Just to clarify, GWAR used/uses various forms of stage blood and other prop materials, not the real thing.

By: hellbient

hellbient — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 09:29:32 -0800

Yeah, GWAR is totally fake... When i lived in Richmond I always got a chuckle seeing GWAR members, in full g(w)arb, interspersed down the street, carrying a bone, a phallus, a pope hat...Their space was just down the street from the club. I suspect they did it on purpose, so as to inform the unknowing that "there's a GWAR show tonight."

By: Bort

Bort — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 09:42:19 -0800

Yeah, GWAR is totally fake... They put on a hell of a show though. Good music too, if you can get past the lyrics.

By: Fuzzy Monster

Fuzzy Monster — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 10:17:11 -0800

I'd say Dio wanted to be more in the All Satan camp than he actually was though, what with his logo spelling out Devil when inverted and all. Yeah, Ronnie James Dio is all right but he can't hold a candle to our very own Ronnie James Dios. Have you heard his track "Grounding Force of Reason?" It Fuckin' ROCKS!

By: MikeMc

MikeMc — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 12:35:26 -0800

Not to split hairs here but Voivod were more of the Satan-free sci-fi/psychedelic Prog school of metal. Their first 2 or 3 records were awesome (stopped following after that). I stopped listening to Voivod when "Nothingface" came out (Way too space/prog for me), I'm stuck at "Killing Technology". I second pandaharma's comment; Immortal's "Sons of Northern Darkness" kicks ass (especially "In My Kingdom Cold").

By: Cyrano

Cyrano — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 15:31:28 -0800

In Germany last week, I saw a poster for a band that featured a crucified midget with three naked chicks worshiping him at the bottom of the cross. I'm just sayin'...

By: Aknaton

Aknaton — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 16:39:07 -0800

I read "rock out with your cock out" and began laughing loudly in my cubicle. I had to fib about what was so funny. You were clearly gwarned: NSFW. Seriously, it looks like he punched a fucking porcupine to death. madamejujujive, I salute you; [this is fucking good]

By: bardic

bardic — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 18:58:31 -0800

Dude, metalfoul. Black- and Death- are different. I think.

By: arcticwoman

arcticwoman — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 19:53:44 -0800

This was great, but the rest of the site was even better. There went two hours...

By: madamjujujive

madamjujujive — Fri, 19 Aug 2005 20:27:10 -0800

rock out with your cock out furiousthought, that would have been a brilliant title - damn, I wish I had been that clever.

By: bdave

bdave — Sat, 20 Aug 2005 09:35:49 -0800

arcticwoman : "This was great, but the rest of the site was even better. There went two hours..." Totally. Their Aristocrats page had me in fits. And no. I won't link to it.

By: Skygazer

Skygazer — Sat, 20 Aug 2005 09:41:51 -0800

Bardic: Dude, metalfoul. Black- and Death- are different. I think. Whoa. My bad. Thanks for catching that. I meant to write Genres. Apologies if my insensitivity caused any in the Black or Death Metal communities hurt feelings or discomfort.

By: zoogleplex

zoogleplex — Sat, 20 Aug 2005 12:44:21 -0800

Hi, I'm zoogleplex, and I just want to say that my cock is as metal as it gets. *ducks and covers ears to mute the boos* "*awaits jonmc weighing in about how much this crap sucks and how handsome dick manitoba could kick the crap out of any of these painted douchebags*" Well, I'll weigh in for him, because it's TRUE DAMMIT!!! And GWAR ROCKS!!

By: PenguinBukkake

PenguinBukkake — Mon, 22 Aug 2005 17:24:08 -0800

By: Aknaton

Aknaton — Thu, 25 Aug 2005 22:03:56 -0800

Not that anyone's still reading this, but Strange Moments in Metal Video History is pretty good too.

By: Bugbread

Bugbread — Fri, 26 Aug 2005 03:26:09 -0800

Thanks, Aknaton.