Please tell me this is not true.
posted by Meatafoecure at 4:28 PM on March 24, 2012

So now he has one!

At this rate Cheney might be fully human in as little as fifteen more years.
posted by RogerB at 4:30 PM on March 24, 2012

After playing this game, I feel that I am ready, willing and able to perform open-heart surgery on Dick Cheney.
posted by anewnadir at 4:30 PM on March 24, 2012 [6 favorites]

TLDR... Good on him. I hope he does well.
posted by Meatafoecure at 4:33 PM on March 24, 2012

Someone call up Scalia, the future of the American healthcare system is here now.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 4:40 PM on March 24, 2012

"Don't touch the sides!"
posted by Trurl at 4:46 PM on March 24, 2012

Hey, remember playing Life and Death 2? Here you go.
posted by griphus at 4:49 PM on March 24, 2012 [5 favorites]

Cheney gets a heart transplant?

What an argument in favor of Death Panels.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:50 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

GODDAMNIT, I tried slicing the hell out of the patient w/the scalpel, and it won't do it.

Call me when I get more realistic blood gushes at my failures.
posted by symbioid at 4:54 PM on March 24, 2012

RogerB: "So now he has one!

At this rate Cheney might be fully human in as little as fifteen more years."

never.
posted by symbioid at 4:54 PM on March 24, 2012

"Oh, wow, I'm in heaven. This is wonderful. I get to be with God and Jesus and Uncle Steve and Grandma. And hey! It's my dog, Scraps, from when I was a kid! Oh, it's great to see you, Scrappy-boy! What's that? They transplanted my heart into who now?"
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:03 PM on March 24, 2012 [4 favorites]

Exclusive background info on the donor.
posted by squalor at 5:10 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

First I asked him if he had insurance. He didn't answer. I took it as a no and did not do the surgery.
posted by Splunge at 5:10 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Cheney gets a heart transplant?

What an argument in favor of Death Panels.

Pretend it's Cheney!
posted by XMLicious at 5:11 PM on March 24, 2012

from here:

Cheney has suffered five heart attacks, the most recent in 2010, according to the AP. He underwent bypass surgery in 1988 and two subsequent angioplasties to clear narrowed coronary arteries.

A former heavy smoker, Cheney had a pacemaker implanted in 2001.

Perfect candidate to receive a heart transplant!
posted by birdherder at 5:12 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

What if it rejects him?
posted by squalor at 5:15 PM on March 24, 2012 [8 favorites]

If the incantation works, there shouldn't be a problem.
posted by griphus at 5:21 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

And there was much rejoicing.
posted by madamjujujive at 5:22 PM on March 24, 2012

You know, when I saw the ticker during the OSU - Syracuse game at dinner about Cheney, I was looking forward to the Metafilter thread on this. I was not dissapointed.
posted by Mcable at 5:26 PM on March 24, 2012

I tried to cut off one of the obviously cancerous nipples with the scalpel but wasn't allowed to. Fucking bullshit, man. I have 12 medical degrees from some of the net's mostly respectable medicine schools and you don't think I'm qualified to diagnose nipple cancer? Keep dumbing down the kids and maybe they will end up at Jon Hopskins or some dump.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:31 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]

Now if we could only get him a brain transplant.
posted by not_on_display at 5:38 PM on March 24, 2012

So we get to play a mostly white surgical team saving the life of a black man, rather the reverse of the actual situation, in which African Americans are much less likely to receive a transplant than white patients (see here).
posted by DrMew at 5:44 PM on March 24, 2012

Borowitz nails it (as he so often does).

As part of a government contract signed while he was still Vice President, Halliburton performed the reconstruction work on Mr. Cheney¡¯s circulatory system at a cost to taxpayers of $14.2 billion.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:55 PM on March 24, 2012

If any of you knew how truly dreamy Cheney was when he was younger, you'd have a lot more compassion for him.

And for God's sake, at least he has a heart that pumps now. He can't sneak up on you like a Prius of doom any more.
posted by maudlin at 6:21 PM on March 24, 2012

Lucky for Cheney that he gets that gold-plated health insurance Congress voted for itself years ago. You know, the kind nobody else in America can have because it's "socialist".
posted by briank at 6:35 PM on March 24, 2012

That was sneaky! I played the game and was all set to offer a scathing critique, and wondered why all the Cheney comments. Well done!

Is it too much to ask that like the patient in the game, Cheney's transplant was done without the benefit of anesthesia?
posted by TedW at 6:47 PM on March 24, 2012

Oh, like Cheney can feel pain anyway?
posted by LionIndex at 7:13 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yes. He can. Any time that anyone, anywhere enjoys anything... Any time that there is happiness. Any moment that people of different races get along... Any fucking time that any being on Earth has a moment of joy, Cheney experiences a jolt of agony.

When Bush was president, he used to also get jolts of pleasure from the pain of liberals and democrats. Those jolts of pleasure caused his heart problems, they were too many and too sharp.

Now he's kept in a cylinder of transparent aluminum. He is suspended in a solution of tears from the disenfranchised and the urine of a demon conjured by Jeb Bush and Ann Coulter.

There he rages in mute agony. He wishes to create a new Bush. But his hands are chafed and useless from constantly masturbating to video of Ronald Reagan saying, "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

Yet he still has great power. While the doctors and scientists that keep him alive try to contain his evil persona, there are outbreaks. They keep a close watch on the news and try to quell the bursts of evil paranoia and fucked up stupidity in people that are susceptible.

And so the Republican party continues. Tainted by the evil that is him.
posted by Splunge at 7:41 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Isn't this a waste of a perfectly good heart? As others have mentioned, with his past medical history, he's hardly a good candidate.

At least with the smouldering core of hate that they removed to make room for it, we should be able to power the Eastern seaboard for a couple of decades.
posted by arcticseal at 7:55 PM on March 24, 2012

Heh, weird. Even with a silly cartoon game it seems so weird to cut people's bodies open with saws and whatnot.

In early July 2010, Cheney was outfitted with a left-ventricular assist device (LVAD) at Inova Fairfax Heart and Vascular Institute to compensate for worsening congestive heart failure.[160] The device pumped blood continuously through his body.[161][162] He was released from Inova on August 9, 2010,[163] and had to decide whether to seek a full heart transplant.[164][165] This pump was centrifugal and as a result he remained alive without a pulse for nearly fifteen months.

It's easy to make a joke about Dick Cheney's robot heart. But, how do you make a joke about him replacing it with a 'real' one? Something about still having a human soul?
posted by delmoi at 9:16 PM on March 24, 2012

Remember when Cheney got drunk and shot that guy in the face?

Good times.
posted by neuron at 10:14 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]

Isn't this a waste of a perfectly good heart? As others have mentioned, with his past medical history, he's hardly a good candidate. -- Sounds like something a DEATH PANEL would say.
posted by crunchland at 3:36 AM on March 25, 2012

Yeah, ummmmm, something about that fact I should not be allowed to be the world's first mouse-driven cardiac surgeon...

And that something is uproariously funny.
posted by Samizdata at 6:42 AM on March 25, 2012

But, how do you make a joke about him replacing it with a 'real' one? Something about still having a human soul?

This is a little bit Pepsi Blue but rather than this happening through surgery I imagine it more like the scene in the commercial I saw yesterday for a new Snow White movie where the evil queen grabs a young courtier by the face goa'uld style and sucks her life force out, leaving the withered husk to fall to the ground as the gray streaks in her own hair fade away.
posted by XMLicious at 7:01 AM on March 25, 2012

Cheney doing well, at home after heart replacement surgery. (photo)
posted by crunchland at 9:03 AM on April 3, 2012