I think I just figured out why creationists are always so angry.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:45 AM on May 23, 2006

James Brown at the University of New Mexico, Albuquerque

He's the hardest-working man in zoology.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:47 AM on May 23, 2006

...enough with the small talk!

NSFW. Also NSF the shaky self-esteem of those pathetic, submissive, whiny, never-get-laid, biologically inferior, effeminate losers-of-the-genetic-lottery who were cheated out of any semblance of whole personhood by a cruel God who knows that only one thing matters to women (and men) -- and it's not having an enormous personality or the uncanny ability to do sudoku.
posted by digaman at 9:51 AM on May 23, 2006

not having an enormous personality or the uncanny ability to do sudoku.

The way I see it: one out of two isn't bad. You'll just have to wait until the meet before you find out which one it is.
posted by slimepuppy at 9:56 AM on May 23, 2006

"Dogg! What if, in prehistoric times, everyone had large dongs?"
posted by Plutor at 9:58 AM on May 23, 2006

and it's not having an enormous personality or the uncanny ability to do sudoku.

Damn. There goes the weekend.
posted by mkhall at 9:58 AM on May 23, 2006

Surprisingly, whether the ornament also functioned as a weapon made little difference to its size.
Unless you define antlers primarily as a weapon instead of a sexual ornament. James Brown may be begging the question here.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 10:02 AM on May 23, 2006

Unless you define antlers primarily as a weapon instead of a sexual ornament.

How about a Sexual Weapon?
posted by BobFrapples at 10:08 AM on May 23, 2006

Ornament is now my favorite euphemism for penis. Christmas will never be the same.
posted by MrMoonPie at 10:14 AM on May 23, 2006

I prefer "stocking stuffer".
posted by gigawhat? at 10:17 AM on May 23, 2006

Or Yule log.
posted by maryh at 10:22 AM on May 23, 2006

Is TheMorningNews day?
posted by geoff. at 10:24 AM on May 23, 2006

Or Black Peter.
posted by saladin at 10:28 AM on May 23, 2006

"Just because you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you have to do porn." - Kumar, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
posted by Doorstop at 10:32 AM on May 23, 2006

I commend this penis descussion as yet another derail for the most important issue ever: why are you so so so vain your probably think your message is about you ?
posted by elpapacito at 10:32 AM on May 23, 2006

I have Metafilter blue balls - what's the release?
posted by Mean Mr. Bucket at 10:41 AM on May 23, 2006

Flag it.
posted by NationalKato at 10:50 AM on May 23, 2006

Woo hoo, big ornament.
posted by nickyskye at 11:00 AM on May 23, 2006

Mean Mr. Bucket, comment bukkake?
posted by shoepal at 11:05 AM on May 23, 2006

This reminds me of the current achewood plotline.
posted by Matt Oneiros at 11:08 AM on May 23, 2006

The male obsession with size appears to be universal, according to a new survey of animal species where males use ornamental body parts to attract females. The study showed that sexual ornaments ¨C such as antlers or a peacock's feathery display ¨C become disproportionately large as body size increases.

Dosn't this show the exact opposite that female obsession with size causes males with biger 'sexual orniments' to increase in size through sexual selection.

God, newscientists sucks balls.
posted by Paris Hilton at 11:08 AM on May 23, 2006

As pointed out above, this is clearly viral marketing for Achewood.
posted by drezdn at 11:16 AM on May 23, 2006

ornamints and ornimints
posted by nickyskye at 11:17 AM on May 23, 2006

drat, ornimints.
posted by nickyskye at 11:32 AM on May 23, 2006

I never thought it would spur this sort of discussion. I just thought as a student of human nature, it's nice to see that nature appears to be as phalocentric as we are. Or at least it appears that way. Research bias? Probably. Many more studies are out there I'm sure which refute this to some degree or another.
posted by pezdacanuck at 11:57 AM on May 23, 2006

When my son was born, two parts of his anatomy were disproportionately large: his head and his testicles. FWIW.
posted by alms at 11:57 AM on May 23, 2006

My balls are huge.
posted by ND? at 12:04 PM on May 23, 2006 [1 favorite]

Hello, mother. You'll be happy to know that little has changed. FWIW.
posted by horsewithnoname at 12:06 PM on May 23, 2006

Baby boys' genitals are increased in size just after birth because they've been bathed in their mother's hormones while developing. Once the estrogen etc is no longer flowing through their bloodstream, the genitals reach a more proportionate size.

Good to know mefi hasn't progressed from the basic "Dongs LOL" sentiment I have grown to expect.
posted by beth at 12:13 PM on May 23, 2006

Dongs LOL really turns me off.
posted by Captaintripps at 12:48 PM on May 23, 2006

weapons-grade pandemonium writes "James Brown may be begging the question here."

No kidding:
"James Brown at the University of New Mexico, Albuquerque, US, and his colleagues have examined the proportions of 284 ornament-bearing species to see whether the tendency was truly universal. They found that in virtually every case, ornament size grew by roughly the square of the overall growth rate."

So in ornament bearing species ornament size is important. I really wish science journalists were required to link to the actual paper so we could see the details.
posted by Mitheral at 1:02 PM on May 23, 2006

Looks like a good place to post the Dildo Song!
posted by augustweed at 1:05 PM on May 23, 2006

...and it's not having an enormous personality...

My personality can go ALL NIGHT, baby!
posted by BobFrapples at 1:19 PM on May 23, 2006

Okay.

So, this explains the beer belly?
posted by hank at 8:16 PM on May 23, 2006

From digaman's link:

Now that's science! (nsfw)
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:31 AM on May 24, 2006

scientists have long known that visual cues of reproductive prowess are a special case

A guy I knew in college once told me that when women are looking you over, the first three things they observe are your watch, your shoes, and your car. FWIW since everybody else is using that acronym here too.
posted by pax digita at 7:39 AM on May 24, 2006

and it's not having an enormous personality...

Some people think of other things when reading "personality" as a euphemism. An "enormous personality" might be this?
posted by pax digita at 7:43 AM on May 24, 2006

My proudest internet moment was when, via Dave Barry's blog, I bought worldwide attention to a song on this very subject.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:56 AM on May 24, 2006

So, this explains the beer belly?

That's not a beer belly -- it's a fuel tank for my love machine!
posted by gigawhat? at 9:39 AM on May 24, 2006

My love machine's fuel requirements become disproportionately large as body size increases.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:24 AM on May 25, 2006

An official link to LPSG is required here.
posted by Dantien at 7:45 AM on May 28, 2006